I Might Have Grown Up In A Cult

So...A cult by definition (affording to Oxford Online) "Is a system of religious veneration and devotion directed towards a particular figure or object". Now, usually, cults worship things or people outside of the normal realms of acceptance by the wider society...u know like those crazy koolaid, actually it was grape Flavor Aid drinking people...check out that Jim Jones Story Here.

Anyway so, about me and this cult now. We actually worshiped God, sang from regular hymn books, did regular things like pray, erect a church in plain view for the public to see, people could only have one spouse etc. etc. This probably explains why I, only in retrospect, have the inclination to think that maybe this one was a little bit more than it appeared to be. Why am I suspicious then, you might ask? Weeeeellll....there are these few little tidbits...

- although I was pretty young and details are a bit less than forthcoming, I have recollections of large gatherings in a field in the middle of the night singing and dancing and chanting. What we sang, chanted and danced about I can't seem to remember. At the time it seemed quite normal to me and I would never question my dear Aunt about such things-I trusted her wholly and completely.
-Then there was the blessing of THE CHAIR. I know every church blesses new furniture that comes to the building. A prayer and a little spiel is customary and accepted. THIS blessing of the chair however, well. First off, it lasted all day. The next thing is, it happened at my house (I probably neglected to say how deep in this cult my family probably was, with one of the main churches being in our yard and all.) There was a crown! I have nothing more to say on that one.

-Like every other church, we had different branches. Lots of different branches in different parishes. What was a bit peculiar, and this might just be me, is that fact that the people were separated in church. There were three rows; one for men, one for women and one for visitors. Children sat in an upstairs balcony area monitored by what I call church babysitters. What's that all about? Anyways
-There was also the wearing of the white uniforms by women. That's not so strange. What really got me was the fact that if anyone ever got wind of any 'sin' committed, you would be relegated from pureness and had to wear plain clothes! You were too unclean to wear the usual whites! Ha! You had to repent of your sins and I'm too young to know what you had to do to get back to pureness.

-The killing of the animals is another thing that.....

Hmmm guys, this is getting long, you guys will have to check back tomorrow for part two....

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Things I learnt Over the Weekend

People should really strive to learn something everyday, no matter how small and insignificant that 'knowledge' may be. So I learnt some very 'important' things this weekend and as usual, because I do love you all so much, will share my new found knowledge.

1. Point and shoot cameras are just that. You point, they shoot. They are however, not think and shoot cameras. So despite every effort to make it jump out of your handbag or purse or whatever else and take a shot of a wonderful candid moment all by just reading your mind, it just won't. You will actually have to point it to shoot it. sigh.

2. Peter Phillips Disco really sucks! Unless of course you are over 50 years old! I should be very dissapointed at myself for expecting anything different really.

3. Clothes that bleed in the wash will always, always only bleed onto your favourite shirt, or skirt or favourite anything that happens to mistakenly find itself in that particular load. I swear it goes around looking for your stamp of favouritism and says 'yes this is the shirt i will bleed on today!' ugh....stupid clothes.

4. I used to believe ants go around searching for home under clothes lines. There is always an ants nest under clothes lines in grassy or dirt areas. Today I was most shocked to find that ants do not actually need the dirt or the grass, they apparently just go around searching for clothes lines! I was quite happy today with the thought of hanging my clothes out on a line that had as its base, concrete, because I was rather sick and tired of being bitten by ants in the grass at my old place. Needless to say...my happiness was short lived as I found at my feet a bevy of ants right under the clothes line and no where else. So what I learned from that was; Ants like clothes lines...

That is all...

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Here's Your Sign

If we could all wear a sign, wouldn't that just make life a whooooole lot better? Then people wouldn't have to go around wondering what kind of person they are dealing with and, oh, how much less stressful life would be....Here are a few signs I think would get sold A LOT. If it was mandated by law, which I would gladly start the petition for, I'm pretty sure as a "sign seller" you could become a millionaire selling these:

BUTU-basically classless, dark, backward, fool fool and oh how many there are out there. You can usually tell by the way they dress and sometimes you have nothing to go off until they open their mouths and you wish you had never struck up an conversation to begin with.

Stupid- How many times I'm listening to conversations or around people and thinking to myself "here's your sign". I find a lot of stupid people work in customer service. Sometimes I think it's a requirement. The other day i walked into Digicel and asked for a car charger...the rep said they didn't have any and then asked me if I tried Digicel. Im looking at her like, ahm, wait lemme go outside and check the sign again. I decided to play along and ask her if she had the number she then said to me 'no I should check the directory"....Here's your sign!!!!!!!!!!

Cocky- Ok, so don't you wish you knew before you started to talk to someone like that, just what the conversation would be like? Confidence is a great thing but dear lord, moderation in everything, please I beg of you people.I don't need to know all your accomplishments. It's like those Bing  adverts, have you seen them? (here's a link to one) For a cocky person,. every word is a link to an accomplishment they just must tell you about. Oh, how annoying.


That my dears is my rambling for today. come back soon to see what else goes on in this head of mine.

That Bill Engval "song", "Here's your sign" was my inspiration for this post. Its not really a song per se but its kind of like...well here it is go check it out for yourself....

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Why Relationships Do Not Last

A Twitter Trending Topic #whyrelationshipsdontlast sparked this post. The topic of relationships is always a hot one. There is always someone trying to get over one, get into one, break one up, or understand one (many other options exist I'm sure). The trickiest thing about a relationship, I think, is getting one to work. Funny enough, It's not just romantic relationships that are difficult but, any kind of relationship is ridiculously hard work, whether it be a mere friendship between two pals, trying to get along with co-workers or your boss, or relationships with family. I think a lot of people are more taken up with making romantic relationships last and here is my little list of reasons why.....you guessed it, relationships do not work.

1. People get into relationships for all the wrong reasons. What they are attracted to at an initial meeting are never the things that will make for a strong committed, long term relationship. Money, sex, physique, all matter, but you come to find, as a relationship goes on that these things are merely backseat drivers to more important things.

2. Some relationships just aren't meant to be! Just cause I love you and you love me, it doesn't mean that we're meant to be (line from Jazmine Sullivan's Lions, Tigers and Bears) Sometimes the timing might not be right for whatever reason. Believe me, it happens.

3. One person in the relationship isn't being honest about why they are in the relationship. Sometimes someone will go a far way, as far as being in a relationship just to get something for their own benefit. It could be money, sex, a link to someone else. Weirder things have happened.

4. People don't know how to not sweat the small stuff. Do you really need to complain about every little thing?- Like the toilet seat, or that she puts her hangbag somewhere you don't like, or sits on the couch with his hand in his crotch, I mean really. I'm sure there are more important things to figure out, like who is gonna pay for dinner tonight.

5. People are just too damned lazy to actually work at relationship. We have this fairytale expectation that things will always be fairy dust and flowers. Reality is, that lasts for a while, but that 'honeymoon period' where everything is romantic and sweet has to give way for a more meaningful connection.

6. Some people are just selfish! No explanation needed

7. People think they can change their partner. Believe this much: what you get during courting is probably the best it will ever get. So, if your grand plan is to change all the things about your partner as the relationship goes along, then I guarantee, you will become very unhappy and frustrated very quickly. You have to accept your partner for who they are. You'll fare better that way.

Believe me, relationships are hard. Going into one thinking 'this is gonna be a perfect little fairytale' is the biggest mistake you can make. Relationships will have their ups and downs, even the great ones. Your relationship should grow as a result of the hard times, learn from them and move one.
This is in no way some scientific explanation of why relationships do not work. These are my own personal views, this I have experienced myself or learnt from observation. Feel free to post your objections or agreement.

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In Loving Memory of...

Did I mention I hate funerals! Obviously though, I will have to attend my own. Considering the few funerals I have been to, even the thought of attending my own is daunting. If I have to be there, and I will, I do think I am allowed to at least have a say in what happens at MY OWN funeral. Don't you think? Well here are a few guidelines to follow.

1. Under absolutely no circumstances should there be any choir unable to sing the Hallelujah Chorus immaculately, like this, by present and give a tribute to me. I refuse to be bored to death at my own funeral. I love music, Mass Choir only please!
which brings me to: 
2. The Hallelujah Chorus must be sung at my funeral!
3. There must be tambourines. If you don't know where to find such things, consult the Seventh Day Church of God Assembly on East Road in Kingston- they are wicked at playing those things.
4. The sermon must not be more than 15 minutes. Really, I know we using your church but please...I can't manage, plus everyone stops listening after 15 minutes anyway.
5. I want a wicked band. No explanation needed.
6.  Cheerful colours please. I understand you will be overwhelmingly sad but If you know me, I'm always smiling and having fun and you coming in your drab darks would make me sad.
7. At the graveside, I don't want to hear a single Hymn. Upbeat Choruses please with hand clamping, drum beating and tambourine knocking, and even dancing. It should be a mini party out there damn it.
8. Keep the tributes under 5 minutes or I will get up out my coffin and tell you to shut it. Thanks :)
9. No one is allowed to tell any lies on me. I'm a miserable little hag and I can hear you. If you tell any lies I will haunt you. You know I will.
10. You must do that video presentation of my life. I actually like that! I think its so cool and its a good opportunity for people to remember those good times we shared.
That's all folks.

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The Funeral was great!!! Huh?!

I am not a fan of funerals. In all my life I've been to two funerals that were not of close family members and if I could have gotten out of those, I damn well would have. Anyway, here is what I do not understand. Why do people ask "so, how was the funeral?" That question almost always gets a discombobulated look from me. I mean, what am I supposed to even say? I'm sure there is a politically correct answer out there. But for me the truth would always be, "it was too long".

I mean, what is it supposed to be? Is it supposed to be fun? Is it supposed to be interesting? I don't think so. It's sad, people cry, people talk about the deceased life, and people cry some more or they don't. What exactly am I supposed to comment on, I don't know. Should I say "the food was awesome" and if it was not, should I then say "well the food sucked, the chicken was too dry". I mean come on people. It's a funeral. Don't ask me how it was. If you want to know something specific, then ask. Did so and so come, or did so and so cry, or was the casket of really expensive wood? Then I can talk to you. The next time someone asks me 'How was the funeral?" I'm gonna say "You know, I had a great time. The food was awesome".

The End

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Sometimes Movies Annoy Me

I know movies are fiction, the ones that are meant to be, obviously. But there are just some common things in movies that just make no sense whatsoever. I'm going to take issue with two of them. They happen in every movie, and it always irks me when I see it.

1. You ever notice anytime someone has something important to say, they never get the chance. It's always "I have something really important to tell you', and then, something happens, or the person keeps talking and talking and doesn't listen. Then, of course, as soon as the opportunity comes again they say, without fail 'I have something really important to tell you' and again, something happens and they miss the chance. You ever wonder why, in those few seconds, if its sooooooo important, they don't just say whatever it is that they need to say? I know its a movie, but it really annoys me...

2.  At the time of any impending danger, e.g. a structure is going to collapse, and there are two persons who are really important to each other, they chose that time, right there when they should be trying to escape the structure before it falls, to tell each other how much they love each other or how much they mean to each other, or to apologize for something bad they did in the past? It always gets to me. Two minutes ago all they could focus on is getting out and being safe and all of a sudden, seconds before impending doom, they find time for this mushness! Come on man, I'm so tired of it, its so played out and writers, producers, directors, it doesn't work for me anymore. That is all

Tweet

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So I've Discovered Twitter

This is the 8th sentence I've started this blog with. I'm sitting here and I pretty much know what I want to blog about. I know the very general concept, but it's taking a mighty hell of a time for me to be able to 'articulate' it well....*scream* so here goes...

So, I was in the generation of Hi5ers, my first social media experience, if that's what it's called. Then Facebook came along and I, like many others, jumped on the bandwagon while it was going full speed ahead. Hi5 became the place for the 'not cool' people. If you were not on Facebook, you weren't anybody...hmmm. Facebook sufficed for a very long time, years even. Then enter stage right, Twitter. For a very long time I heard about twitter. As far as I could tell, it was a place for people to give minute by minute, mundane details of their lives in 140 characters or less. Why would I want to hear who is on the toilet, or who is eating a Juici Patty right now. I could not for the life of me understand how such an idiotic thing could be so huge. I didn't actually know anyone on Twitter. I heard about it on celebrity news, who was tweeting that they were getting a tan right now etc., etc., BORING!

So years passed and then...all of a sudden this twitter thing started popping up on my side of the world. I kept seeing 'follow me on twitter' in people's Facebook statuses and on their walls. Still, I yawned and went about my business. But alas! Boredom one day took over as I sat at home on vacation leave with absolutely nothing to do. I thought, I'd try this thing out. Reluctantly, I downloaded the app to my Blackberry and voila, the new obsession began.

Twitter is waaaayyy more than mundane posts about what I am doing right now. It is in fact, the only way to keep up to date with anything worth knowing about in the ENTIRE WORLD. It's live, up-to-date, minute by minute, glimpses into different aspects of life. News, sports, gaming, gossip, celebrity news, politics, it's all there, comedy and of course those minute by minute details of your friends' lives all there in 140 characters or less. Basically, if you aren't on twitter, you don't really have a clue about what is going on in the world. Twitter kept me up to date with the Dudus saga and Tropical storm Nicole just recently. Every bit of news that comes on the radio or television, comes out on twitter first and in even greater detail.

Without twitter, I would be completely clueless about so much of what happens in my little neck of the woods. I would say 'what did i do before twitter?' but I already know; I knew nothing! I was completely in the dark and I didn't even realize how much information I was missing out on until I got on twitter. Now, it's my first port of call for any and everything. Believe me, you should try it. hey, if you don't like it, you can always delete your account. But, do you want to risk me being right? Tweet Tweet


Tweet

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...and why can't I have Morphine!!!!!!!

I'm not one of the lucky ladies who have mother nature sneak up on random days and leave without any painful evidence of her arrival. No, I get it all. Whatever that's out there I manage to get. So days before she even arrives, she sends her messengers just as a reminder that her arrival is near and she plans to wreak her usual havoc. Yay me! sigh.

Now I've been visiting doctors since I was 12 years old in an attempt to figure out what on earth was going on with this ridiculous amount of pain. As usual everyone prescribed the usual, worth absolutely nothing, must get endorsements from pharmaceutical companies for distributing these meds, painkillers. You know the ones, Panadol, Midol, Panadene, Baralgin, Alleve, Motrin-Ibuprofen etc...you get the idea. Anything you can think of, I've had it. Nothing works, is the point really and I sit there very single month wondering, why, why oh why cant I please get me some Morphine, some Oxycotin, some Vicodin, is it too much to ask for painless bliss each and every month? Ladies? I mean, whats the big deal, so what if they can be habit forming, so can all those other nonsense in a pill, that we devour every month. I think its time i start demanding that my docs give me what I want. Simple...done...

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I Hate Rainy Mornings

Don't you just hate mornings when it rains. Ugh! Mornings like these I walk with a stone in my back pocket and an evil glimmer in my eyes. I know someone will splash me- these unconscionable motorists!

And so the miserable day begin...

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I take kids over adults anyday.

This morning I'm standing in the line at the staff canteen and a woman comes up behind me with her daughter, about 2years old and her mother. Cute little girl, I thought. Anyway, little girl decides she doesn't want to stand, she wants mommy to lift her up and mommy is not having it. Little girl starts to cry and whine. Her mom is ignoring her, fine, crying kids don't bug me at all. Poor little kid gets even more miserable and starts to cry even more, still not a bother to me, kids cry alllll the time.

I was quite fine until this woman comes up and starts to taunt the child, I suppose in an effort to get her to stop crying. But lord, she is the one I wanted to turn around and slap and tell her how annoying she is and she should stop the stupidity this minute! Here she is telling the child "puppy a come, puppy a come", I suppose the kids is afraid of puppies, so she starts to cry even more. The mother, quite sensible so far, says 'now she going to want to come up even more' i could hear the frustration in her voice. The same blasted woman, clearly could not get the hint and continues 'i gonna call Ms.____ make she come beat you" and she goes on and on and on until the poor mother just takes up the child and walks away. Age is clearly no indication of wisdom, unfortunately.

Some adults can just be so blasted stupid and counterproductive. Its like hearing kids crying and hearing their parents say, 'if you don't shut up i going to beat you' or they beat them in order to try and get them to shut up, or shout at them, tell them even worse things. Wow, great! that worked right? Take up a book or something. If your kid is difficult, go ask someone how to deal with them. Our culture treats kids as though they are second class citizens. Maybe if we treated them more like people instead of thing we own, maybe they would be just a little bit better to handle...just maybe...

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Product of the Month- July

Lysol All purpose cleaner.......seriously I wonder what I would do without my bottle of Lysol All Purpose Cleaner. It's like magic in a bottle. You really should try it, trust me, you should. Now I have every reason to believe it can clean all the things its traditionally supposed to. It cleans clothes, shoes, counters, toilets, walls EVERYTHING! But I wonder if it could clean all the other random things in life we really want cleaned up. Maybe BP should try it on the Oil Spill, and just in case you have been living under a rock for a while check that story out here, or maybe you can spray a bottle of it in your 16yr old daughter's mouth, then voila! Or maybe your life needs a little cleaning to get rid of the random people you've been wanting to get rid of for years but can never seem to figure out how to.

In any case i give Lysol all purpose cleaner a whopping 8/10 for its ability to clean pretty much every and anything it says it will. I would give it a 10/10 if it had managed to clean the dishes automatically by just having it sitting on the counter but that's for another blog...muah

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I'm sober- Really I am

Snack machines at work should also have beer...That is all!!!!

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Taxi Stories- No Gas? No Problem Mon

I always knew public transportation would be the bane of my existence, but it turns out to be quite an 'oxymoronish' kind of situation. Travelling on taxis to work in the morning does in fact cause me much misery but also turns out to be quite amusing in an after-the-fact kind of way.
So as you can imagine, more often than not, my mornings to work turn out to be quite an adventure. So, I'm a gonna be noice, yes noice, can you hear it huh? Huh? and share some of my stories with ya!



So this particular morning I'm running late, like 2 hours late but no biggie really. I finally manage to get a taxi and I'm really happy because sun and makeup is most definitely not a pretty sight. Gladly, I get in the front and Ha! The Joke's on me. This taxi has no A/C and just my luck the windows do not go down. According to this taximan he went to the autoelectrician the day before and he somehow magically messed up all the electronics. Great *rolls* eyes. AT this point I'm sweating, water is gushing from my face and scalp. I try not to be too miserable and accept my fate until the car starts to sputter! Sputter, Sputter, Sputter...I'm here thinking Ok he can't find the gear...clutch, gear, clutch, sputter, sputter and then...NOTHING the blasted taxi is...can you guess? OUT OF GAS! Are you kidding me! So

I'm already mapping the new plan: get out walk to the next bus stop and catch another cab, a bus maybe. But alas ingenious taximan; No gas? No problem mon. My ingenious taximan puts the car in reverse, switch to the opposite side of the road and proceed to let the car run a mile down the hill, on the main road, back to the gas station. OMG I was so embarassed! Here we are running down the road in reverse and everyone is staring at us. Its a very, very odd feeling, staring at the car in front, well behind us if you really think about it. And then, on top of all of this when we finally get to the Gas station he buys...drum roll please...JAM$500 worth of gas, about US$5, so you know he gonna be running out of gas again in short order. Surprisingly enough we all sat there calm as ever as though this is all rather normal behaviour. Lord help us all with these taxis. He must be watching over us for the adventures we survive. How I manage to actually make it to work in one piece most mornings is obviously the work of God. Caribbean Cabs!

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Little Lizzy and Me

You know, i'm not really afraid of lizards per se! I just dont like them in my house!!!!!!! Well apparently this little croaking lizard decided, clearly without my permission, to take up residence in my kitchen!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe the audacity of the vermin!!!!!!!
I know it was intentional retribution for my killing some relative of his not so long ago. I know this, he knows this, and unfortunately he has the upper hand because, for the life of me I am completely scared out of my crazy mind to kill the blasted thing...and he knows...

So, first incident...I went away for Christmas and I think my long absence from home gave him the brilliant idea to move in. When i came home in the new year the stupid thing decided to let his presence known by jumping off the counter at me...can u believe it - i nearly passed out from shock

Second incident...One day after coming home from work tired and all, the thing was sitting on my kitchen counter staring at me. All attempts to shew it failed and we had a stare off; me vs little Lizzy, well, needless to say i won the stare off because again, the blasted thing decided to jump at me again...but alas he missed and I sprinted to my room and shut the door

We're still having our little battle, yesterday while taking my pans out the cupboard to start my cooking the blasted thing-little Lizzy, jumped out the cupboard, but i think i might finally be getting the upper hand because he scurried away and hid behind the stove...I know ur there little Lizzy....
I wonder whats gonna happen next...hopefully i will soon find the courage to kill the blasted thing...

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Revisiting Me

So, after a very long hiatus I'm back. I'm planning to be around for a little while and I hope I stick to the plan. I miss blogging. It seems so much of what I enjoyed doing has disappeared and I think they took pieces of me. So, now I'm on a journey to find Me, creative, angry, bitchy, smart, happy me. Wish me luck and I hope my readers stick around to see if I find what I'm looking for.

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Random Thought 2

Never give anyone the power to make you feel inferior

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