In Loving Memory of...

Did I mention I hate funerals! Obviously though, I will have to attend my own. Considering the few funerals I have been to, even the thought of attending my own is daunting. If I have to be there, and I will, I do think I am allowed to at least have a say in what happens at MY OWN funeral. Don't you think? Well here are a few guidelines to follow.

1. Under absolutely no circumstances should there be any choir unable to sing the Hallelujah Chorus immaculately, like this, by present and give a tribute to me. I refuse to be bored to death at my own funeral. I love music, Mass Choir only please!
which brings me to: 
2. The Hallelujah Chorus must be sung at my funeral!
3. There must be tambourines. If you don't know where to find such things, consult the Seventh Day Church of God Assembly on East Road in Kingston- they are wicked at playing those things.
4. The sermon must not be more than 15 minutes. Really, I know we using your church but please...I can't manage, plus everyone stops listening after 15 minutes anyway.
5. I want a wicked band. No explanation needed.
6.  Cheerful colours please. I understand you will be overwhelmingly sad but If you know me, I'm always smiling and having fun and you coming in your drab darks would make me sad.
7. At the graveside, I don't want to hear a single Hymn. Upbeat Choruses please with hand clamping, drum beating and tambourine knocking, and even dancing. It should be a mini party out there damn it.
8. Keep the tributes under 5 minutes or I will get up out my coffin and tell you to shut it. Thanks :)
9. No one is allowed to tell any lies on me. I'm a miserable little hag and I can hear you. If you tell any lies I will haunt you. You know I will.
10. You must do that video presentation of my life. I actually like that! I think its so cool and its a good opportunity for people to remember those good times we shared.
That's all folks.