In Loving Memory of...

Did I mention I hate funerals! Obviously though, I will have to attend my own. Considering the few funerals I have been to, even the thought of attending my own is daunting. If I have to be there, and I will, I do think I am allowed to at least have a say in what happens at MY OWN funeral. Don't you think? Well here are a few guidelines to follow.

1. Under absolutely no circumstances should there be any choir unable to sing the Hallelujah Chorus immaculately, like this, by present and give a tribute to me. I refuse to be bored to death at my own funeral. I love music, Mass Choir only please!
which brings me to: 
2. The Hallelujah Chorus must be sung at my funeral!
3. There must be tambourines. If you don't know where to find such things, consult the Seventh Day Church of God Assembly on East Road in Kingston- they are wicked at playing those things.
4. The sermon must not be more than 15 minutes. Really, I know we using your church but please...I can't manage, plus everyone stops listening after 15 minutes anyway.
5. I want a wicked band. No explanation needed.
6.  Cheerful colours please. I understand you will be overwhelmingly sad but If you know me, I'm always smiling and having fun and you coming in your drab darks would make me sad.
7. At the graveside, I don't want to hear a single Hymn. Upbeat Choruses please with hand clamping, drum beating and tambourine knocking, and even dancing. It should be a mini party out there damn it.
8. Keep the tributes under 5 minutes or I will get up out my coffin and tell you to shut it. Thanks :)
9. No one is allowed to tell any lies on me. I'm a miserable little hag and I can hear you. If you tell any lies I will haunt you. You know I will.
10. You must do that video presentation of my life. I actually like that! I think its so cool and its a good opportunity for people to remember those good times we shared.
That's all folks.

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The Funeral was great!!! Huh?!

I am not a fan of funerals. In all my life I've been to two funerals that were not of close family members and if I could have gotten out of those, I damn well would have. Anyway, here is what I do not understand. Why do people ask "so, how was the funeral?" That question almost always gets a discombobulated look from me. I mean, what am I supposed to even say? I'm sure there is a politically correct answer out there. But for me the truth would always be, "it was too long".

I mean, what is it supposed to be? Is it supposed to be fun? Is it supposed to be interesting? I don't think so. It's sad, people cry, people talk about the deceased life, and people cry some more or they don't. What exactly am I supposed to comment on, I don't know. Should I say "the food was awesome" and if it was not, should I then say "well the food sucked, the chicken was too dry". I mean come on people. It's a funeral. Don't ask me how it was. If you want to know something specific, then ask. Did so and so come, or did so and so cry, or was the casket of really expensive wood? Then I can talk to you. The next time someone asks me 'How was the funeral?" I'm gonna say "You know, I had a great time. The food was awesome".

The End

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Sometimes Movies Annoy Me

I know movies are fiction, the ones that are meant to be, obviously. But there are just some common things in movies that just make no sense whatsoever. I'm going to take issue with two of them. They happen in every movie, and it always irks me when I see it.

1. You ever notice anytime someone has something important to say, they never get the chance. It's always "I have something really important to tell you', and then, something happens, or the person keeps talking and talking and doesn't listen. Then, of course, as soon as the opportunity comes again they say, without fail 'I have something really important to tell you' and again, something happens and they miss the chance. You ever wonder why, in those few seconds, if its sooooooo important, they don't just say whatever it is that they need to say? I know its a movie, but it really annoys me...

2.  At the time of any impending danger, e.g. a structure is going to collapse, and there are two persons who are really important to each other, they chose that time, right there when they should be trying to escape the structure before it falls, to tell each other how much they love each other or how much they mean to each other, or to apologize for something bad they did in the past? It always gets to me. Two minutes ago all they could focus on is getting out and being safe and all of a sudden, seconds before impending doom, they find time for this mushness! Come on man, I'm so tired of it, its so played out and writers, producers, directors, it doesn't work for me anymore. That is all

Tweet

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So I've Discovered Twitter

This is the 8th sentence I've started this blog with. I'm sitting here and I pretty much know what I want to blog about. I know the very general concept, but it's taking a mighty hell of a time for me to be able to 'articulate' it well....*scream* so here goes...

So, I was in the generation of Hi5ers, my first social media experience, if that's what it's called. Then Facebook came along and I, like many others, jumped on the bandwagon while it was going full speed ahead. Hi5 became the place for the 'not cool' people. If you were not on Facebook, you weren't anybody...hmmm. Facebook sufficed for a very long time, years even. Then enter stage right, Twitter. For a very long time I heard about twitter. As far as I could tell, it was a place for people to give minute by minute, mundane details of their lives in 140 characters or less. Why would I want to hear who is on the toilet, or who is eating a Juici Patty right now. I could not for the life of me understand how such an idiotic thing could be so huge. I didn't actually know anyone on Twitter. I heard about it on celebrity news, who was tweeting that they were getting a tan right now etc., etc., BORING!

So years passed and then...all of a sudden this twitter thing started popping up on my side of the world. I kept seeing 'follow me on twitter' in people's Facebook statuses and on their walls. Still, I yawned and went about my business. But alas! Boredom one day took over as I sat at home on vacation leave with absolutely nothing to do. I thought, I'd try this thing out. Reluctantly, I downloaded the app to my Blackberry and voila, the new obsession began.

Twitter is waaaayyy more than mundane posts about what I am doing right now. It is in fact, the only way to keep up to date with anything worth knowing about in the ENTIRE WORLD. It's live, up-to-date, minute by minute, glimpses into different aspects of life. News, sports, gaming, gossip, celebrity news, politics, it's all there, comedy and of course those minute by minute details of your friends' lives all there in 140 characters or less. Basically, if you aren't on twitter, you don't really have a clue about what is going on in the world. Twitter kept me up to date with the Dudus saga and Tropical storm Nicole just recently. Every bit of news that comes on the radio or television, comes out on twitter first and in even greater detail.

Without twitter, I would be completely clueless about so much of what happens in my little neck of the woods. I would say 'what did i do before twitter?' but I already know; I knew nothing! I was completely in the dark and I didn't even realize how much information I was missing out on until I got on twitter. Now, it's my first port of call for any and everything. Believe me, you should try it. hey, if you don't like it, you can always delete your account. But, do you want to risk me being right? Tweet Tweet


Tweet

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...and why can't I have Morphine!!!!!!!

I'm not one of the lucky ladies who have mother nature sneak up on random days and leave without any painful evidence of her arrival. No, I get it all. Whatever that's out there I manage to get. So days before she even arrives, she sends her messengers just as a reminder that her arrival is near and she plans to wreak her usual havoc. Yay me! sigh.

Now I've been visiting doctors since I was 12 years old in an attempt to figure out what on earth was going on with this ridiculous amount of pain. As usual everyone prescribed the usual, worth absolutely nothing, must get endorsements from pharmaceutical companies for distributing these meds, painkillers. You know the ones, Panadol, Midol, Panadene, Baralgin, Alleve, Motrin-Ibuprofen etc...you get the idea. Anything you can think of, I've had it. Nothing works, is the point really and I sit there very single month wondering, why, why oh why cant I please get me some Morphine, some Oxycotin, some Vicodin, is it too much to ask for painless bliss each and every month? Ladies? I mean, whats the big deal, so what if they can be habit forming, so can all those other nonsense in a pill, that we devour every month. I think its time i start demanding that my docs give me what I want. Simple...done...

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